Dissociative Disorder

WHAT IS DISSOCIATION?

Dissociation is a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. During the period of time when a person is dissociating, certain information is not associated with other information as it normally would be. For example, during a traumatic experience, a person may dissociate the memory of the place and circumstances of the trauma from his ongoing memory, resulting in a temporary mental escape from the fear and pain of the trauma and, in some cases, a memory gap surrounding the experience. Because this process can produce changes in memory, people who frequently dissociate often find their senses of personal history and identity are affected.

Here's a topic that I think I could ramble about forever. I'll try to keep it brief.

It seems that the past year or so has been riddled with close friends experiencing very dangerous illness. I have recently thought a lot about how wired it is to deal with that.

Just for LB, here are a bunch of stories.

About this time last year, the mother of one of my life-long best friends was dying of cancer. My thoughts revolved solely around the friend and worried for him and how he was going to deal with it. She died that July and still, a year later, every couple of days I think that it is just inconceivable that the Earth still revolves around the Sun without Melissa. She's not actually gone?

Last winter my best friend from Lipscomb was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease. I have seen his thin, short hair, his IV-lump-thing in his chest. He has told me about enduring chemotherapy. But I think I emotionally click the whole thing off because I don't think I can deal with him being that sick. I KNOW he deals with it better than I do. It's like we talk about nonsense and whatever and then he tells me about what is going on and POP! my brain disconnects from my heart until we move on to some other topic. He is supposed to have his final treatment of chemo this week. I CAN'T WAIT!!! That's just crazy. I'm all excited for him, even though I couldn't allow myself to get upset at any point. I keep saying, "He's going to be fine." not as a faith (or Goldeneye) thing, but as TOTAL denial.

Just a few weeks ago an old (not an old person, just friends for a long time) friend from KC calls me and tells me that she is going in to get a lump removed from her breast in a few days. She is very distraught. She's upset, her sister is upset, her mom is upset. I couldn't come close to "getting upset". I prayed for the girl with emotion analogous to "Lord, let her rent check not bounce."

Last night a relatively new friend from church was diagnosed with MS. A bunch of us went over to her apartment and hung out to "keep her mind off of it". We did great! Laughed, told stories, had a great time. COMPLETELY ignored the part about her just finding out that she has an incurable degenerative disease.

NOW!!! Here's where this gets sticky for me. This in not a joke, nor even intended to sound funny. A couple of weeks ago Pennington sends me a text message that says, "Taco Via burned down." This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world. I was near tears. A few minutes later he sends another one, "Just kidding. Debbie says hi." I felt like I just got punched in the face. I had that feeling for three days. I can connect with this one. One day, Taco Via will be gone. I know that. I know that my time with Taco Via is limited so I must appreciate every chance I get to eat there.

I cannot imagine a world without my favorite adopted mom, even though that IS the current reality. I cannot imagine Shaun having cancer. BUT HE HAS IT!!! Slater may be nuttier than squirrel turds, and we may have gone years without talking to each other, but she will never die (at least as far as my mind tells me). Three weeks ago, Clair was the picture of health, and all of a sudden BAM! it totally changes. I can't imagine life without these people any more than I can imagine myself not existing. But I CAN imagine a world without those yummy taco's, and therefore I can feel all the pertinent emotions.

Here's my theory. I think my mind makes a barrier for things that are just too difficult to deal with and deflects them. Taco Via going away stinks enough to make me upset, but it isn't bad enough to make me ... numb? People I love becoming very sick or dying slams right into the barrier and never gets properly processed.

So here's another twist. I don't think this one applies to Clair because there isn't that history, but it is generally applicable to the others. If I'm numb, then I may not be the supportive friend that I should be. And if I am detached or not supportive enough during their trials, would these friends not think of me as the friend they thought they had? So a fear creeps in that they would think, "Well, he wasn't a good enough friend during all of that crap. To heck with him." NOW I experience fear of loss. Because a diminished or lost friendship IS conceivable and falls under the emotionally acceptable barrier.

... OK. Cutting myself off ... Darn you, Pennington! You had to send that message and ruin by blissful ignorance.